Holy cripes.

its been two years. tumblr… did you miss me ? D: -doubt it-

ah well. i am back baby :P

You see… I thought it was all okay… I put on a face and tried not to be scared but now, as it’s staring me back right in the eye, I cringe and just wanna run away. I didn’t see how much it actually changes things and…. now I feel helpless.

So I had a year subscripton to TEEN VOGUE and here’s what I’ve learned from that….

….

….

….

You expected me to say something didn’t you?

The only thing I found that was—even though i hate how i look with a passion— i have a prettier face than them. & well my bodys really not that bad in the 1st place so… 

It doesn’t make me wanna look like that.. it’s just… pointless.

note: if you have a friend who shows two or more signs… you may want to reconsider that friendship because who wants to really deal with that whiny bitches shit anyways?

You know she’s a freaky obsessive girl who needs to get over her ex when…

1. she creeps on their facebook still

2. she peer from behind lockers at school

3. she gives him a death stare

4. she talks shit about their new girlfriend

5. she texts him constantly trying to get a reaction

6. she tries to make him feel bad via notes or texts

7. she can’t admit it was for the better

8. she just can’t let go

9. she tries to talk to him like they’re still friends

10. she wishes him a happy birthday

And well yes, of course, I have someone particular in mind when writing this. It’s like chickki get the fuck over it and quite your bi-polar bitching. :D

Ya know.. thinking about it now… It’s terribly funny how you said that I’ve never had anything to deal with in life & you do when in fact.. it’s quite the opposite and your drama is SELF CAUSED. You’re not just thrown into it without warning. I can’t handle it.

How cute. Eh did make me feel a bit better.

This is one of those times I’d like to crawl into a cardboard box and die. Alone, and tragically. Maybe hang myself in the closet with one of Brian’s ties. Oh idk. Anyone got any creative ideas? Personally, I think I should go out with a bang. so, I guess it’s not quite bye bye yet. :/

I miss you more than she does, I love you more then anyone else can, I’ve cried my tears for you than anyone else ever will. And what do I get for that? I get nothing, and just that. I get days when I hear things that you said, try to act all tough, then break down later. Now that I can cry again, I can’t STOP. I spend like 18 of the 24 hours in a day crying. I’d bet anyone that. I won’t ever forget, about you and how I feel. And I hope that I’m not going to end up being one of those people who is in love with the same damn person for like 5 plus years. That’s just insane. And do you see what this is doing to me though… The smoking, the drinking. Yeah, your fault. Kind of. I mean, yeah, I’m the one physically doing it. But it you didn’t fuck with me, and drive me so damn insane… then I wouldn’t be this miserable. I wouldn’t be trying to fix that. I wouldn’t need to find a cure. I don’t wish that none of this ever happened. I’ll NEVER wish that. You were a big part of my life, you still are my life, and I need to move on I just can’t. And that controls me. Because you know I will always be there for you, no matter what. And I’ll always come crawling back just to be hurt, and you turn around and leave again. You have no idea how much I want you to say “Babe, I love you” again… You have no idea. I love you. I think you are the most amazing person in the world, even though you do crazy things and make a few bad decisions. You”re perfect. And I can deal with you. Can’t you see. I can handle you… those other girls can’t.. So why babe… why… Can’t you just love me back. Let me quit this shit cause I can’t handle it. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. Everything I ever told you I meant… and will always mean. Let me say those things again.. keep your promises. You are… you have been pushed away. But come back, cause there was never anything wrong with us. She was our problem, and she’s no threat now. So try it again… for me…. I believe you have it in you… try, just try, to love me back…

 I miss you… and when I dream tonight… no doubt it will be of you… then when I wake up I’ll feel like crying cause it was just a dream and it will never be reality… why do I go trough this over and over everyday? Why can’t I just move on? Oh yeah that’s right… you made it worse. The shit I already went through wasn’t enough, my heart wasn’t quite fully destroyed… *It’d hurt a lot worse when you go…*

Sometimes I wonder.. do I do this to myself, do I bring all of this upon myself? Do I just want sympathy? Do I want to be that chick at your front doorstep drunk and almost passed out? Do I want to be that girl who is with some guy for one night then ends up saying adios in the morning? Do I want to go to college? Do I want to be popular? Do I want to struggle with life? What is it that I want? And why can’t I find it… or have I? What greater purpose does it serve for me to be this way? Is this really who I am, or am I somebody else posing this way? What and who the fuck am I? When do I get to know?